A Shining Knight

Today I begin Transition 2.0, aka the official reboot of creating myself and the life I want.

For the past couple months or so I’ve felt like I’ve been sliding toward a slippery slope of self-destruction.  Have I eaten popcorn?  No.  Have I eaten bread?  No.  Did I buy candy for Halloween to “give to the kids” that I knew would never come to the door?  No.  But…and this is a big but(t)…I feel like I have.  I haven’t broken any of my rules, but I haven’t been doing my “routine,” either, and that’s been messing with my mind.

When I was living in Florida (Transition 1.0) it was easy because I didn’t know anybody, so I could concentrate on doing my thing without distractions.  Here in Las Vegas, where many of my friends are, I have many opportunities to be social, which means a couple beverages here, a few dinners there, maybe dessert for fun, and the next thing you know – poof – pow – zap – everything’s gone to hell (in my mind).  Add to that getting sick, which meant not being able to swim for a couple weeks, and all the good feelings/endorphins are gone.  What this means for me is that the anxiety of not being “perfect”, or even semi-perfect, is playing whackadoodle with my mind.

Do I realize that it’s amazing I’ve “maintained” an over 100-pound weight loss for over a year?  Yes, I do.  Do I realize that in itself is a huge accomplishment?  Yes, I truly do.  However, I need to get back to where I’m not anxious all the time about what might be happening, could be going on, and yadayadayada blahblahblah.  For me, this is and always will be a mind-game; it’s 99% mental, and I had begun to lose the game and get mind-fucked.  I may still be winning physically, but I need to be winning mentally again, too.  That starts today.

So, in an effort to reset, restart and reboot, a couple weeks ago I gave myself a fresh-start date of November 1 (turn the page and start clean).  I’m going to do what worked for me in Transition 1.0.  What does that mean?  KISS (keep it simple, stupid):  Swimming at least 5 days a week (“meditation in motion”), writing everything down at www.myfitnesspal.com (which I usually refer to as the Fitness Bitch), being “awake and aware” and making it all just “routine”, and, yes, weighing myself every day.  For me, the longer I go without getting on the scale the more anxious I am that the scale will be mean to me when I actually do get on it (“mean to me” is a huge trigger); however, if I get on it every day, I can curse at it, scream “You Have No Power Here” (which sounds amazingly like “Fuck You” when I actually blurt it out), and then move on until tomorrow (routine, routine, routine; focus, focus, focus; breathe, breathe, breathe).  This way I keep the power rather than giving it to the scale.  That may not work for everyone, but it’s what works for me.  [Yes, I know it’s “just a number,” and yes, I know that I can get off and get right back on it and the number will change for no reason, and yes, I know that I can poop or pee and get back on it and it will show a higher number, which makes absolutely no sense at all…and I can keep all that in perspective if I see it happening on a daily basis.]

Last night as I was writing this, having a very “fatandugly” day (with a capital “fat”), wallowing in my whateverness, knowing I was going to be facing a very unfriendly scale this morning, out of the blue (is anything really ever “out of the blue” or does the Universe send you what you need?) my cousin Brad sent me a picture from the beginning of my transition.  Wow – did I need to see that.  I’d almost forgotten who I was then (physically, emotionally, spiritually).  Thank you, Brad and the Universe, for reminding how far I’ve come in creating my Most Healthy Self.

So, today I begin again:  Avoiding anxiety, feeling good and being healthy – truly being A Shining Knight – that’s the “me” I want to create.  Thanks for coming with me on the journey and helping to keep me honest.  Transition 2.0 – you’re on!  It’s time to “Lizmerize”!