A Shining Knight

Last week my friend Sandra Rak sent me the following message:  

And how is self-love and positive body image going? Is it something that is second nature to you and is really easy, or is it something that is challenging?…I’m curious about your take because you are one person I know that went through a big change in terms of her body.  If you don’t mind sharing a few thoughts, experiences, please do so, so that I/we can help more women to be happier with themselves.

I laughed – and cried a little – when Sandra asked if self-love and positive body image are second nature to me.  Are you kidding?!  No matter what happens during the rest of my life, that angry-scared-sad-mad-bullied-fat-little-girl who’s been with me for 50+ years will always be with me, and she’s a handful!

A little background:  After a lifetime of dieting (my pediatrician put me on diet pills when I was in the 2nd grade), and a near-death health scare (not related to weight), and getting fired from a job for being “old and fat,” in December 2013 I made the decision in to become the healthiest version of myself I could be.  I moved to Florida, began the “Mermaid on a Mission” journey at the end of March 2014, began training in earnest in September 2014, got to an acceptable-to-me/stable/maintenance-ish point in January 2016, and some days feel like I’ve been hanging on for dear life ever since!

Actually, most days are not challenging.  Most days are boring:  Exercise, eat well, repeat.  Is the fact that it’s boring part of the challenge?  Yes, I believe so.  As I understand it, that’s part of the struggle for all addictive-type personalities.  Well, then, Missy, you’d better change it up so it’s not boring.  Find new foods.  Try new exercises and activities.  We’re professionals at this, so who better than me to mind-fuck the mind-games?!

In April 2017, I wanted to “take it to the next level,” so I began “Transition 2.0” (yes, I name everything).  However, nothing’s changed.  No, that’s not correct.  Lots of things have changed, most importantly I feel even healthier and stronger, but… THE SCALE HASN’T CHANGE.  Shit!  Asshole!  Fucking bastard!

Why do we give an inanimate object such power?!  How can one fucking number make or break your day (your life)?!  Who made these damn rules?!  When will we embrace who we are no matter what?!  Aarrgghh!!!

I went to yoga, and the instructor began class by setting the following intention:  Patience, breathing, and trusting the process.  I’m doin’ my best, baby…doin’ my best.

I only have 2 rules about food and food choices:

1. No popcorn.
2. Eating anything that’s not part of my Paleo-Friendly Kinda-Ketogenic plan has to be “scheduled.”

Well, let me tell you, that quart of ice cream I picked up on my way home was not scheduled.  And I ate it.  And nobody died.  And I didn’t even feel bad about myself (what!?), though, yes, I did feel physically bad, with a bloated stomach and milk farts and such, but I knew that it was just a blip.  I used to do “emotional eating” every day, and this was my first “emotional eating” in months.  So…?  So what!  On we go.  Don’t waste time beating yourself up; be kind to yourself.  Get back on the proverbial and the actual treadmill, eat your vegetables, and move forward.

As the Japanese proverb says:  “Nana korobi ya oki” – fall 7, rise 8.

I will always carry the emotional scars of that fat little girl with me, I will always be considered fat by someone, and I will always have the drooping leftover skin from losing half my body weight.  And…yes…I will always try to be my best self, I will always fight the good fight, and I will always persevere.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.